The Paavadai Dhaavani

The Paavadai Dhaavani/Langa Voni is a traditional south Indian attire. It is also often called the "half saree" as the drape is much shorter than the original saree.

Girl on the left is wearing a langa voni

What it contains:

(1) A blouse
(2) A skirt
(3) A drape/dupatta that comes over your shoulder, around your waist and is finally tucked into the skirt.

I've always been fond of this because of the ease with which you can wear it. Sarees are usually heavier, have a lot of material that gets draped around your body and there's always this fear that something, somewhere might loosen up - resulting in the material falling to the ground exposing you to the outside world and causing immense shame. (The in-skirt only adds to the layers and doesn't count as something you can show to the outside world. So, If the saree falls, you're pretty much in your in-skirt and that's not a happy place to be in.)

The langa voni isn't like that. The skirt has specific designs and this is publicly wearable. There's a smaller drape which is easier to manage - a couple of pleats here and there, and you're done. It's a happy life.

It is viewed as the attire that acts as a transition between the pattu paavadai (something that pubescent-pre-pubescent girls wear) and the saree (something that married women wear).

Till recently, women stopped wearing it and it had almost become uncool to wear it.

In the recent times, people have moved away the traditional materials used and used sequinned Georgettes or chiffons. They've also started embracing the ghaghra and are wearing it like a half saree.

This year, I got three such dresses made, in cotton and close to the original materials used to make the paavadai dhavani. I wore them to work and social gatherings - to everyone's surprise. There were a lot of people who're so urban that didn't even know what it was, they thought it was a saree. I had to explain what it was.

The traditionalists found the idea appealing. My grandmother loved how I was wearing traditional wear on a normal day. People had given me compliments on what I was wearing.

I'm sad now that I'm leaving the country - I won't be able to wear them any time soon.

I'll urge all the women reading this to get a couple done and try wearing them. They're extremely comfortable, great for the hot and humid weather and so easily manageable.

I might understand equality but....

I might understand equality and feminism but -

Top of Form

Bottom of Form

What does it mean when the best of friends talk about how someone is really lucky if they "get" you?
About how some imaginary guy is really lucky because you're a virgin?
How do I tell them that a woman is equal to a man - and that his sexual history is as equally relevant or irrelevant as hers?
How do I tell them that a woman isn't a fucking trophy for you?
How do I tell them that her selectivity or lack thereof does not impact her humanity or even her character?

What does it mean when your childhood friends talk about how you're a spring chicken or a lemon in the market?
Something that needs to be sold before it's too late,
It's all with good intent, or so they say.

How do I tell them that a woman's youth or beauty isn't what makes her valuable?
Just like how a man's strength or wealth isn't what he should be evaluated on?
How do I tell them that a "marriage" isn't "everything"?

What do you tell them when they shame another woman for being a gold digger with no brains,
They also disparagingly question why I am attracted to men based on something that is "external" to them, like their "intelligence",
I ask them, "When will you stop shaming women for their choices?
She did what she thought was best for her - because that's how society has taught her.
I will desire what is best for me - because that's what feminism taught me,
When you're shaming both of us - clearly, no woman will ever win in your eyes."

What do you say when someone you've grown up with reacts negatively towards women based on their sexual orientation or sexual history?
How do I tell her that none of it matters?
How do I tell her that the only thing that matters is if people stand by you when you need them most?
Especially your sisters because they've suffered the most?

What do you tell someone you've grown up with - when she fears seeking permission from her husband's family to step out to have fun?
How do I tell them that a woman's liberty isn't something that should ever be traded to get anything?
How do I tell them that society makes women accept such social control and makes them think that it's the best way to sustain a family?
She traded her freedom for love, that's what she did.
I'm helpless in anger because she does not want to be helped.

What do you tell your wonderful, intelligent colleagues when they come up with a workplace play that misrepresents feminism in many ways?
In a poem about feminism, lines like: "From the dusky looks to the golden smile - crazy, sexy!"
Like as if we haven't been sexualised and objectified enough,
"Mothers, sisters, daughters, women...."
Like as if the corporate system doesn't already look at us as liabilities because we are mothers and wives,
Like as if we're free from expectations like "even if you're a career woman, you're also a daughter, wife and mother".

What do you do when these are the people you loved, cherished and adored?

What do you do when you suddenly feel like you're an outsider because of all this?
Because nobody understands you at all and your lone voice is going to be disregarded as a frivolous fascination for the unfamiliar,
Or something I call as feminism.

A feminism 101 lecture is the last thing they want to hear.
They've all grown tired of the lecture,
When, in fact, they've fallen asleep mid-way,
They've all grown tired of the story.
When they haven't even heard it fully,
Their patience is wearing thin,
But wait, it didn't exist when I started speaking,

Because somebody told them that feminism was a monster,
They all made up their minds based on media campaigns,
Considering how they hadn't even actually met a real one,
Makes this an arduous, uphill task even for the Fem101 champions.

I'm tired of being described as: "cynical", "harsh" or "not fun anymore" for the things I say,
I really don't have the time or patience to explain all of it away,
Because, honestly, there's too many of you,
I really don't think it's my job to be fun for you,
Friendship isn't always about levity,
I hope you'd realise that you're going wrong somewhere,

Especially, if you genuinely believe in equality.

I hope you'd do what is right and change what is in your hands,
If you really feel strongly about making ours a better place,
You'd stop talking, read and at least try to acknowledge my stand.

Akash Gautam's Lovepal Bill: A guide to love and relationships

I wrote this and forgot about it. On March 21, as a part of the Speaker Series, we had this supremely fine gentleman giving us a talk about finding love (seriously?). I was so bored with work that I decided to go and attend to see what he had to say. I find how individuals deal with relationships in India very fascinating. There's a wide spectrum of the various ways in which they work (considering the wide spectrum of extremely conservative to extremely liberal to crazy individuals + Indian societal value systems) and was super curious, I thought he might have something interesting to say. This was what I had to say after I attended it.

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21 March 2014

Attended one of the worst presentations, ever. The presentation was lousy - not because of the style of delivery but because of the content. The speaker did seem to have an o-k sense of humor and managed to evoke a few laughs. That was probably the only saving grace.

Akash Gautam’s session "Lovepal bill - a guide to love and relationships" was such a badly researched, stereotypical, sexist lecture on how to handle relationships and breakups. 

Shockingly enough, he kept quoting Bollywood and kept using Hindi throughout his talk. This is to an audience of working individuals, from different parts of the country who’ve grown OUT of thinking that Bollywood movies depict real relationships (and in my case, have not watched that many to think along those lines) and surely DON’T dream that they’ll find someone like Shah Rukh Khan or Kajol. 

He asks us to use "logic” in the place of “magic” in a relationship. I’m like, you douche, just because you’re a twit doesn’t mean the rest of us are too. 

The doofus, at some point in the talk - speaks about what men expect in a relationship. Apparently, they want “less drama”. Again, such a stereotypical view of women and how they’re all melodramatic. For god’s sake, I’ve seen enough men who claim that they'll cut their wrists or commit suicide if a girl does not say yes. I’ve seen guys who’re still not over their exes after a zillion years. I’ve also seen guys who get very sappy and start crying for you. The first set of men are idiots - that’s pretty much blackmail. The last two are what they are. They’re normal men and they're entitled to be who they'd like to be, if that's how they express themselves. It's great that they don't feel compelled to live up to society's idea of "manhood". Saying that only women can be “emotional” is ridiculous.

There was the other stereotype where he said, “ladies, watch out, a lot of men out there just want only a physical relations”. Women also want sex, you know. There are also a lot of men who are serious about finding love. 

At one point, the gentleman asked everyone to clap for women because they "bear and raise our children”. Haha, thanks for re-iterating and restricting our roles in society. Yep, that’s what we’re there for, that’s what we do best. 

He asks us to be realistic, asks us to not go looking for a relationship and that it will happen when it is meant to. You fool, most working professionals want to find love but can’t because they aren’t usually allowed to date at the workplace (even if they’re allowed to, they don’t because of the complications). If you really want to increase your chances of finding someone, you go meet more people, you socialize, you go on dates or whatever it is that works.  You increase your odds. Saying rubbish like “don’t go after things” is stupid. 

It is amazing how individuals with no experience or skill end up giving such talks. You need a whole new level of guts to go out there and be confident about your shitty presentation and zero research. Kudos to you Akash Gautam. *slow clap*

You can see this fine gentleman here: http://www.akashgautam.com/products/event/lovepal-bill/

A tribute to T Rajendar

I've been thinking about a lot of things in the past week and have been feeling a lot of feelings. So - last night, I spoke to a really cute guy on the phone, sat on the terrace on the fifth floor, meditated, ate some chocolate dessert, went for a drive with my dad. I spoke to my dad about my predicament. My dad, in his usual inimitable style said, "Just let go and surrender. Go read and write."

As a result of all that, I finally found what needed to be done. This has been on my mind for a long time. I think God has shown me the way.

I'm going to write about someone who has been a huge part of my life from the time I went to law school and felt like a lost bird. A constant companion, a guide, a source of entertainment and enlightenment.

I'm going to write about T. Rajendar. Yes, that's him.

I'm sure you're thinking, "What! That was your takeaway from all this!"

I don't think my dad had this in mind either when he suggested it, but hey, I'm writing, okay?

T. RAJENDAR a.k.a KARADI a.k.a TR

He's just incredibly amazing. For all the following reasons:

(1) He'll talk in rhymes, dance and fight - all at once.

This is called the "I'll-fuck-with-your-mind-so-much-that-you'll-die" technique. It is said that they watched this movie, learned and started using it in Abu Ghraib. Just when the victim thinks that it's all over, you break into a rhyme, dance and freak the shit out of him.

Transcript:

TR: Come my brother in law,

Banana fritter, 

I'll tear up your body, 

And then make fritters. 

(2) He'll give you live beat-boxing at the drop of a hat. 

This was a live call-in show. Start watching from 1:06. He has fans that encourage his antics. This particular caller is asking him about when he plans to get an Oscar award. TR proceeds to explain the difference between Indian tapori music, "African" music and Hip Hop.

TR: "Ka ka ki kaa gagagaga kaaka kaeeeka gaga"

Caller: "Wow sir, they seem to giving Oscars to random people, you deserve one"

TR: "I don't want an Oscar, I just want the people to listen to my music"
"You touch me, my entire body is full of music"
"This video is going viral on Youtube soon, Tamilians need to get inspired by me"

(3) He can dance like a woman in heat. 

This video is gold by Youtube standards. There's a priceless belly shake that happens in this video (1:04). It's like jelly-meets-earthquake. The amazing thing is, he does the beat, the strange animal orgasmic noises, dances, does the jelly-meets-earthquake AND acts like a woman ALL AT THE SAME DAMN TIME.

[Note: Yes, watch this video for the "same damn time" reference. I have a feeling Rick Ross and TR might even be related. Notice the beards and big belly?]

(4) He can lift his dhoti, spread his legs, show his striped boxers, pose, hold an aruvaal and protect two women at the SAME DAMN TIME.

Notice that there's a fan set up somewhere to make his dhoti fly and make him look sexy.

The camera man is tired and says "Okay! Okay! Okay sir, Okay sir! Okay enough sir!". That doesn't stop our man. Notice how the women and other characters disappear from the photo-shoot in the middle.


(5) His anger is unstoppable. He can take on any cheeky reporter at any point in time. 

This reporter made the mistake of telling him that nobody attended TR's speech. Boy, that sure did piss TR off.

Somewhere around 1:00

TR: Come on! Come on! You're trying suppress, oppress and depress the view of the Tamilian.

*claps*

TR: Thamizhan ya! (he repeats that three or four times)

TR: How can you say! How can you say!

(6) He knows English

Just watch the video. I don't need to say anything else.
This video was my religion during law school.


People judge him all the time. He's popularly called a Karadi (bear) and is often made fun of, laughed at and what-not.

But you know what's amazing? - HE DOES NOT GIVE A FUCK about any of it. That's exactly why I'm his fan.