Dark skin is lovely & I love the colour black

 Karuppu dhaan enakku pidicha colour-u. Lol.

This is a tamil song that was made in the last decade. It's a song about all the awesome things that were black and finally, the singer sings about how her boyfriend is also dark and awesome.

The funny thing is, the girl singing the song was fair skinned. All the background dancers were dark. What are we trying to say here again?

Why I'm writing this:

There was a recent episode at work where someone mentioned that I didn't have the face to do Bhangra, because I was dark and a south Indian. For someone who feels completely confident about her looks, well - at least her skin - this was very upsetting and shocking. 

This also happened in a context where parents have been insisting that I look at stupid matrimony profiles which all echo this idea of only wanting "a fair bride". That's when I remembered, a statement a male friend had made while we were still in school. We were looking at passport size photographs to apply for our board exams. He looked at mine and said "You should use this when you're getting married because you're looking so fair in it" and I didn't know what exactly to say to it and I said "Skin colour is not an issue!" (which was how I felt then) 

I was so oblivious to my skin colour till this year when this happened. Stupid that it took so long for me to have that epiphany. I realised how backward Indians are. I realised how insensitive they can be and don't realise that it is uncivilised and hurtful to discriminate on the basis of skin colour.  I've personally also heard a story from a colleague who received remarks like "Is that why you're so dark?" to an innocent recollection of  a childhood memory of being punished and made to stand in the sun. 

Let me reiterate. IT IS NOT OKAY TO TELL SOMEONE THAT THEY'RE DARK or ask them WHY THEY ARE DARK. Like, hello, genes. It is also not okay to tell them they can't participate in an activity because they're dark. It is NOT okay to recommend methods to make them lighter. They love the way they look and you're trying to insult them by saying that they could be better - and that they're not good enough right now.

Now onto random meta analysis:

Thamizh movies have had a curious take on dark skin. Most of our male leads have been dark - Rajnikanth, Vijaykanth, Dhanush etc. 

You will see scenes where people will fight for dark skin - like the one below where Shreya rejects Rajnikanth when he proposes to her because he was dark (that wasn't the real reason, they later reconcile where she mentions how his dark skin is the most attractive thing about him). There are a few scenes after that where Rajini tries to become white. Literally, white. He turns up and then she still rejects him and tells him that she liked him dark. He subsequently reveals that he had paint on. There's a song where they used graphics and made him white. 

This was in humour and the essence of the story was that dark skin is awesome, as long as it is a guy with dark skin. Shreya is still fair, most of the women in Rajini's movies (and possibly even in his life) are fair skinned.

I think about it and feel that it must be so liberating for south Indian men to be proud of their appearance because they have major icons to look up to - who are dark. (I believe they're trying to change that with Surya and SRK starring in ads about fair and handsome.)

Unfortunately, the same thing doesn't play out for women. Fair skin is still the ideal. A woman is beautiful if she is light skinned. 

I'm not going to blame thamizh movies for doing it this way but I just want to point this out to movie makers. Make our women closer home, your mother, your sister, your children - the average thamizh household - are they dark or fair? I'm also going to reach out to people reading this. Beauty is from within. Whether you're fair or dark, it shouldn't matter. Whatever your colour is, embrace it. However you look, love yourself. The media can't dictate how you feel about yourself. You should be stronger than that.

Some say that this is a colonial hangover, it's the indoctrination of the idea that white skin is superior. All I'd like to say is this: it's about time we grew out of colonisation. It's been more than 60 years for crying out loud. Someone mentioned that it's a form of self hate and is unhealthy. That is so true.

To those people who discriminate or think that dark skin is ugly - what you see in the movies is just a minor/small fraction of the population, a figment of someone's imagination and meant for entertainment. Their career advancement is based on them looking "attractive"(or whatever the director thinks is attractive). They do all the things they do - because they're working and their income depends on it. 

Other women are just like you, they're real human beings leading normal lives. They spend all their time working, taking care of their children, running a business or a household (the latter is equally challenging, trust me). They do NOT have time or the ability to spend money to maintain a high-end diet, receive endless facials, waxes, bleaches, glycolic peels or plastic surgeries.  You need to accept it and move on.

So - to help you all snap out of the bias, here are pictures of REAL and beautiful women on my friendlist who I coerced into giving their photographs. They're all dusky to coffee to chocolate to dark chocolate, they're so attractive! Embrace beauty.

Family, Marriage, Patriarchy and a whole bunch of useless things

Why do we need love?

What is this concept of monogamy, having to find one person to spend the rest of your life with? Why do we need marriage?

Owing to intense familial pressure on these matters, one can't help but think about these things.

Human beings have always been fascinated with having a better life. More is usually better. Would you like to eat two candies instead of one? Would you rather have the same pasta for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Variety, change and having more of a certain thing is something that is so natural for an average human being to aspire for.

All our other relationships are not limiting, I can have multiple friends. There might be some that I like more but I have a friend for each situation - if I need a girls night out, call the fun girls. If I need a serious talk, call the awesome agony aunt who solves all your problems. If I need some time to chill and unwind, call the dudes. Whatever.

Our romantic relationships, on the other hand, are meant to be singular, monogamous and sometimes 'commitment for life'. Why is it that we try to limit these relationships? Why is it not okay to date or have sex with more men than one? Why is there so much pressure to marry and settle with one mate?

Social conditioning has informed us that marriage and family are essential for everyone. Everyone should get married, have kids and what-not. Why? Because you need companionship. I can get that companionship from a friend! The only reason you may not get the companionship is because people shift focus after they have a family. So if you're the only single person wanting friends for companionship, you're most probably deprioritised. Secondly, they think that a male-female-marriage-family set up is ideal for child rearing. There is assignment of responsibility and that this will ensure that the children are cared for.

I'd like to challenge both these reasons that are used to justify marriage/family: The reason you even need a designated companion is because you started creating designated permanent companions for everyone and you'd be left out alone if you're the only one to make that choice. If everyone was just single or polygamous, you wouldn't need that shit.

Secondly, who said child rearing is better with just two people being assigned with that responsibility? If you had a community instead of a nuclear set up, trust me, those children will be brought up much better. Just like you have rule systems forcing two people to take care of their children, ensure that the community is assigned responsibility to foster children. The responsibility is shared - Jim takes care of child's financial needs, Kate takes care of assignments and academics, Kranti does the extra curricular work, Preeti takes them all to school and back, Vani gets them clean and ready, Rebecca, whatevs - you get the drift. It's no longer a fulltime job. Children are then exposed to a wide variety of individuals, opinions and views at a very young age. Decision making? Leave it to each person's domain. 

One last pointer - because of our obsession with ONE person, we expect that idiot to have everything. This perfect mofo does not exist, by the way. Super nice, must be able to dance, must be intelligent, successful and fun. People try to look for all of that in one person, are you kidding me, that's impossible unless I clone myself. Heehaha. Ok, it's also too much pressure for everyone. Isn't it a lot more awesome if you just had a dance-buddy, an intelligent conversation buddy, and whatever else buddy. You have an argument with one, you don't ruin the rest of your day because of excessive importance being placed on that one person.

My take: Don't marry. It's stupid. Think about it, if no one had to marry - Life is just one long party. Earn money, buy nice things, party, succeed in life, help society, date or build relationships when you want to. You can still have babies with just quarter of the responsibility (assuming society takes up this really wonderful community model). You can take on more if you want.

What does social conditioning do to relationships?

Because of the preset notion that you need to marry someone or be with someone, you try to find that someone.

Women are pressured at an earlier age to find someone. Families start insisting when you're in your early twenties that you get married. That's the bloody time you're supposed to be spending making your career better. Not clicking pretty pictures of yourself and sending it to your parents or trying to find potential partners. It's such a waste of time and mental energy.

Nevertheless, even if you don't do it the conventional (the Indian) way - and decide that you want to date - there's also this notion that 'oh, the guy should approach you, he will if he really wants you'.  It means that you're a 'prize' to be possessed and acquired. This is again stupid because it gives all the agency and control over your life to someone else. I am only allowed to pick from the lemons that are dealt to me and not go to the supermarket and take a nice Appy Fizz instead?!! Dafuq!

Hell, women want to acquire a prize too. By prize, I'm NOT talking about a sugar daddy or a rich guy. The so called potential, interesting person who you are attracted to as well. According to some, for women, it's like making a prospectus for other people to invest in you. You need to make yourself seem like a perfect investment destination and hope for the best investor. You're not supposed to invest in other ventures yourself or solicit investments or these ventures might think you're too needy. See how ridiculous that analogy sounds? Exactly my point.

If I was turned down, I can deal with it. What I can't deal with is the way women are shamed for attempting it. "Oh but you're so pretty, you don't really need to go ask a guy out". It's not a need. It's what you want. I'm not allowed to do go after what I want. If I did, subsequently, I'm considered to be 'too easy'. They want to acquire something, not just get it. Why don't you think about the fact that you probably got it because you're good? Are men really that insecure that they think they're worthless, that any woman who pursues them must be crazy and that they'd need to convince someone for several months to get them to want them?

Bah.