Debunking myths about feminists in India

You hear all these random conversations between people - using the word "feminist". You're quite surprised about how they interpret that one word. Here's a blow-by-blow Indian perspective on what the word means.

A: "Yeh feminist log hai na..."

B: "hahahahaha"

A: "Okay now, don't start with all your feminist shit here okay?"

A: "She's a feminist dude"

B: "Oh fuck..... haha. She must be really (sexually) frustrated."

A: "What do you think of feminists?"

B: "Well, as long as it doesn't go beyond a point and as long as it is reasonable"

A: "What?" 

B: "You know.. Countries like US, Australia don't need feminists. India is in bad shape, we need feminists here."

A: "She's too much of a feminist dude"

Mom: "Keep your feminism to yourself, now is not the time to argue"

The most brilliant one I heard - was when I shaved my head. It had nothing to do with anyone else or any political stance:

A: "Oohh.. what is this, some Lesbian-Feminist movement?"

What is Feminism?

It's a movement that advocates equality for men and women in all respects. We're not just talking about voting and property rights but in allllll wayyyysss - employment & wages, social circumstances, unbiased treatment, education, same rights and environment conducive to growth and success.  Here are some popular myths about feminists:

(1) Feminists hate men

Contrary to what people think, we actually do like men. We just don't like the stuck up, retarded, unreasonable and psychotic men (that rules out almost all of them no? lol. Hey, we just like cracking jokes about men. I kid, I kid). We're actually against patriarchy - which means we're also against women that perpetuate male-female inequality. 

Yes. It's true. We don't hate men. You want proof? I can show you the long list of crushes that I've had. We can do a data analysis and I can even give you a pie chart. Promise.

Secondly, if you believe in male-female equality - you're a feminist too. Even if you're a guy. Really. This just blew your mind, I'm sure. Take a drink.

(2) Feminists are angry, scary folks

Of course not! 

Have you seen the kind of shit I write? I wrote in detail about female flatulence in one and about toilets in another. I like hip hop. I watch Rajnikanth movies. I am a loon with a chocolate problem. I'm also a feminist. 

So yes, we get angry just like everyone else - but it's only when people piss us off or if we feel that we haven't been given our due. Totally normal, don't you think?

(3) Feminist = bad word

See, you just offended me right there by calling it one. It's not a bad word. We're nice people. We like cupcakes, long baths, music and what-not. We like babies, puppies and kittens. We can co-exist with you. You just need to treat us like normal human beings.

(4) Feminists burn bras

Dude, I know there was a historical event when people discarded products meant for women. For god's sake, why don't you read about why they did that? In fact, here's a revelation: They did not burn bras. This also blew your mind, didn't it? Take another drink.

Having said that - Bras are the devil. They cause cuts, lines and trauma. They are weapons of mass restriction. 

Anyway, we might be divided on the social and individual benefits of using the bra. It is safe to assume that we're not arsonists. We will not suddenly whip our bras out in the middle of the street or at the workplace, set it on fire and do a war dance around it. 

That is not our grand plan, no.

(5) Lesbians, feminists and spinsters are all the same, they're all sexually frustrated

Lesbian: Someone who is attracted to women. 

Feminists: Explained earlier.

Spinster: Single and loving it.

None of these mean that they are not getting any. They're probably getting some unless - they're a NUN. Even if they weren't getting any, it's really none of your business. 

None of these words are synonyms of each other while one person might be one or more of those words. 

(6) Feminists are unreasonable

Just like any other normal human being - we can be reasonable or unreasonable. We want equality, as explained earlier. You get a cupcake, we get a cupcake. It's only fair. 

I'd like a red velvet, please.

Family, Marriage, Patriarchy and a whole bunch of useless things

Why do we need love?

What is this concept of monogamy, having to find one person to spend the rest of your life with? Why do we need marriage?

Owing to intense familial pressure on these matters, one can't help but think about these things.

Human beings have always been fascinated with having a better life. More is usually better. Would you like to eat two candies instead of one? Would you rather have the same pasta for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Variety, change and having more of a certain thing is something that is so natural for an average human being to aspire for.

All our other relationships are not limiting, I can have multiple friends. There might be some that I like more but I have a friend for each situation - if I need a girls night out, call the fun girls. If I need a serious talk, call the awesome agony aunt who solves all your problems. If I need some time to chill and unwind, call the dudes. Whatever.

Our romantic relationships, on the other hand, are meant to be singular, monogamous and sometimes 'commitment for life'. Why is it that we try to limit these relationships? Why is it not okay to date or have sex with more men than one? Why is there so much pressure to marry and settle with one mate?

Social conditioning has informed us that marriage and family are essential for everyone. Everyone should get married, have kids and what-not. Why? Because you need companionship. I can get that companionship from a friend! The only reason you may not get the companionship is because people shift focus after they have a family. So if you're the only single person wanting friends for companionship, you're most probably deprioritised. Secondly, they think that a male-female-marriage-family set up is ideal for child rearing. There is assignment of responsibility and that this will ensure that the children are cared for.

I'd like to challenge both these reasons that are used to justify marriage/family: The reason you even need a designated companion is because you started creating designated permanent companions for everyone and you'd be left out alone if you're the only one to make that choice. If everyone was just single or polygamous, you wouldn't need that shit.

Secondly, who said child rearing is better with just two people being assigned with that responsibility? If you had a community instead of a nuclear set up, trust me, those children will be brought up much better. Just like you have rule systems forcing two people to take care of their children, ensure that the community is assigned responsibility to foster children. The responsibility is shared - Jim takes care of child's financial needs, Kate takes care of assignments and academics, Kranti does the extra curricular work, Preeti takes them all to school and back, Vani gets them clean and ready, Rebecca, whatevs - you get the drift. It's no longer a fulltime job. Children are then exposed to a wide variety of individuals, opinions and views at a very young age. Decision making? Leave it to each person's domain. 

One last pointer - because of our obsession with ONE person, we expect that idiot to have everything. This perfect mofo does not exist, by the way. Super nice, must be able to dance, must be intelligent, successful and fun. People try to look for all of that in one person, are you kidding me, that's impossible unless I clone myself. Heehaha. Ok, it's also too much pressure for everyone. Isn't it a lot more awesome if you just had a dance-buddy, an intelligent conversation buddy, and whatever else buddy. You have an argument with one, you don't ruin the rest of your day because of excessive importance being placed on that one person.

My take: Don't marry. It's stupid. Think about it, if no one had to marry - Life is just one long party. Earn money, buy nice things, party, succeed in life, help society, date or build relationships when you want to. You can still have babies with just quarter of the responsibility (assuming society takes up this really wonderful community model). You can take on more if you want.

What does social conditioning do to relationships?

Because of the preset notion that you need to marry someone or be with someone, you try to find that someone.

Women are pressured at an earlier age to find someone. Families start insisting when you're in your early twenties that you get married. That's the bloody time you're supposed to be spending making your career better. Not clicking pretty pictures of yourself and sending it to your parents or trying to find potential partners. It's such a waste of time and mental energy.

Nevertheless, even if you don't do it the conventional (the Indian) way - and decide that you want to date - there's also this notion that 'oh, the guy should approach you, he will if he really wants you'.  It means that you're a 'prize' to be possessed and acquired. This is again stupid because it gives all the agency and control over your life to someone else. I am only allowed to pick from the lemons that are dealt to me and not go to the supermarket and take a nice Appy Fizz instead?!! Dafuq!

Hell, women want to acquire a prize too. By prize, I'm NOT talking about a sugar daddy or a rich guy. The so called potential, interesting person who you are attracted to as well. According to some, for women, it's like making a prospectus for other people to invest in you. You need to make yourself seem like a perfect investment destination and hope for the best investor. You're not supposed to invest in other ventures yourself or solicit investments or these ventures might think you're too needy. See how ridiculous that analogy sounds? Exactly my point.

If I was turned down, I can deal with it. What I can't deal with is the way women are shamed for attempting it. "Oh but you're so pretty, you don't really need to go ask a guy out". It's not a need. It's what you want. I'm not allowed to do go after what I want. If I did, subsequently, I'm considered to be 'too easy'. They want to acquire something, not just get it. Why don't you think about the fact that you probably got it because you're good? Are men really that insecure that they think they're worthless, that any woman who pursues them must be crazy and that they'd need to convince someone for several months to get them to want them?

Bah.